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Sunday, November 6, 2011

Look :: I feel good / I knew that I would







Outfit details: Hat - F21. Sunglasses - For sale in my shop here. Top, booties - Target. Scarf (worn as belt) - AT. Ring - Borrowed from Kimberly. Skirt - Swapped from Liesel. Bag - Bijou Vintage Bazaar.

Boys. They shared pencils with me in elementary school, made fun of me in middle school and ignored me in high school. Then, suddenly -- I was asked out. And again. I'm not quite sure why. Perhaps it was because I developed a personality, or developed in, well... other areas. But before college was over, I had a few boyfriends under my belt. Each relationship was longer and truer than the last.

Still, it never felt quite right. In a way, I knew it from the start. I knew this trait, that habit wasn't quite what I wanted, but I gave in. The hopeless romantic in me went with it. She gave him a chance, one thousand chances. She wanted it to work. And every time, she told herself: This is it. This is who I've been waiting for. What I've wanted. But in the end, she wasn't satisfied. It wasn't exactly what she wanted. It didn't turn out the way she planned, and this romantically hopeless person that I've become came out broken, frustrated and confused.

I thirst for love. I live for it, so much so that it hurts. It's what I am, it's what I aim to give, it's what I hope to receive. I don't need a man to be happy; I am already happy, and I want someone to share that happiness with. I don't need a man in order for me to feel good about myself; I already feel good about myself, and I want someone to love me as much as I do. I find this love, and yet crave something more, something better, something... perfect. Something that doesn't exist.

It's wonderful to have wants and hopes and dreams. But when they turn into lists and plans and expectations, that's when I get let down. The road takes a turn I didn't map out and I throw my hands up, park the car, walk in the other direction, the direction I think is right, the one that I believe will lead me to my destination, the one I planned on.

I made a promise to myself last night. I promised I would toss the map. Throw away the list, forget about the plans. Grab the keys, push to start and go. Love doesn't come in a specific package. We're not in control of it. We can't walk into a store, peer into a glass case and pluck out the golden, glittering love we desire. And maybe, when I really think about it -- if I could, I wouldn't want to. Life is more exciting when you don't know what's going to happen around the next corner. Do you like surprises? I do. Love is the best surprise of all.

24 comments:

  1. "I want someone to share happiness with." <---spot on

    In my experience I felt dissatisfied regardless of relationships until I hit this epiphany: woo yourself. The person you should be wooing is you.

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  2. You want to make cry don't you! I love this and am glad my comment will be the first! I love the part, I don't need a man to make me happy, I am already happy I want someone to share that happiness with. You are such a beautiful and strong woman and I know no matter what happens you will remain that way. We just all have to take a moment breathe and keep moving forward. I am happy to call you a friend Stephanie! you are amazing

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  3. I am with Bella 100%.
    I have been with the love of my life for 30 years, but I have never ever lost truck of who I am, and that I am the first person I have to love in order in to love others.
    You look gorgeous by the way...
    XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

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  4. Lovely post darlin'. I feel that love is the sole purpose of life. It seems that everyone is in pursuit of love (even if they won't admit it) and most everyone's journey includes a love affair (or two!).

    And I can't agree more with this infamous quote: "It is better to have loved and lost, then to have never loved at all."

    I'm happy to hear that you still believe in love, despite not finding it yet, and that you're letting go of any "perfect" ideas about love.

    Hope you have an amazing Sunday!

    Much love,
    J.Lynn

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  5. sometimes you just have to throw in the map (i like that saying) and let someone else figure out your next move. that someone else might be a lover, nature, or a facebook contest run by a massive global denim brand (hypothetically). it's surprisingly liberating.

    xxoo
    www.paperplanesandmaryjanes.com

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  6. I have to remind myself that there is no map over and over and over again, but I'm learning. Slowly.

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  7. Patience is developed and is a virtue in waiting for the right person to come along. Don't rush it, and don't rush into it. Love is also spiritual. God is love. Seek him first and all of these things will follow. -Mama

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  8. Love your outfit by the way. Very cute! -Ma

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  9. Love your boots and your hat.

    Patience
    www.justpatience.com

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  10. That's such a great philosophy though I know it can be hard to live by. I'm excited for you :)

    xo, alison*elle

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  11. LOVE! Beautifully written....And your outfit is cute as always....-Jessica

    http://thirtyandgirly.blogspot.com/

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  12. I think you got it right! :) Love and relationships cannot be navigated. They just happen. Sometimes its hard but there is definitely no one formula! :) Love the look and your free spirt in the pictures! :D

    ♡ from © tanvii.com

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  13. I think you will KNOW It when you find it...keep your eyes open....you have the best attitude girlie!!!

    Enter my Icelandic Design Knit Hat Giveaway!!

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  14. First I LOVE the top! So cute and I love off the shoulder styles. :)

    Girl toss away that map! 7 years ago I was on a string of bad relationships, going into it being in love with the idea of having a boyfriend as opposed to being in love with the person. I went on a two year hiatus and at the end of the that I was just like "Screw it!" I'm going to do me. A month later I met my husband with the only expectation of having someone cute to take me out to dinner every once and awhile. I expected nothing else and now 7 years later we are going on strong because we love each other for who we are (and aren't!) instead of trying to find that perfect person.

    So toss that map and do you! It's amazing what comes your way once you live your life as it comes. :)

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  15. How do you plan life, right? You can't! So you might as well buckle up and enjoy the ride. Love you, Steph!! xoxo

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  16. aw. all of your "writing about life" posts are my favorite. i am so happy youre happy with yourself because once you feel that way, all of the rest falls into place. i promise you will stumble into love, just like i did with matt!! and youre an amazing person who deserves it ;)

    <3 steffy
    http://steffysprosandcons.blogspot.com

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  17. The map is not the territory ...

    I hate it when people have lists and plans where if they're not 'x' by age 'x' then they've kind of failed at life. I'm all for having goals but list are kind of pointless in my opinion. Great post.

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  18. I'm so proud of you Stephanie! Love is not romance novel perfect and men (and women) are not either. If you really want to love someone you have to love their failings as much as their attributes, and you have to give up the idea that everything is going to be perfect all the time.

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  19. Give God the pen to write your love story. It'll turn out perfectly, you just have to trust in Him :)

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  20. "Life is more exciting when you don't know what's going to happen around the next corner. Do you like surprises? I do. Love is the best surprise of all."

    I loved this. Everything about it. Your honesty with yourself is going to allow you to find love, my friend. Stop looking, start living. :)

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  21. That outfit is amazing. You should wear it every day for the rest of your life.

    You know what's weird- I've been with the same dude for 7 years. We started dating when I was 19. And when I think about it, I still can't believe I found love, especially so young. It kind of seems wrong? Like it's not normal and right now I should be sitting here on my couch alone instead of next to him. I think it's because I do anything to deserve this. Love just happens when you're in the right place at the right time.

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  22. This is a beautiful post, with such an incredible take on love. I feel the same as you, and am excited to know that there's someone out there that I'll get to share everything that makes me happy with them.

    Such a lovely post xo

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