Saturday, March 10, 2012

Lessons :: Mirror on the wall, here we are again. Through my rise and fall, you've been my only friend.

Some bloggers don't like to get personal on their blogs and tend to avoid it, but I'm the opposite. I try to get as personal as I can without going overboard or getting offensive. When I promote this blog, I'm not selling my fashion sense or cool places to go in LA; I'm selling my personality. I really think it's the best thing I have to offer.

Perhaps it's the same for you. I encourage you to step out of the box and get a little deeper on your own blog. Go beyond the layers of clothing -- I know there's more to you. I'm not saying you have to do this or I won't read your blog... but it might be healthy for you, and it could make a reader feel that they're not alone. That's really my goal. I want to be a faraway friend that anyone can turn to.

Or maybe you need to open up more in your life in general. Maybe we need to keep the door unlocked instead of completely closed or wide open. I just don't want anyone to feel embarrassed or guilty about their emotions. No one should have to mask them or pretend they don't exist. Your emotions are valid. I hate when people compare 'big' or 'small' problems. If something is making you feel, size doesn't matter. And who's to judge size? It's all significant.

So then, let's get personal. Again.

Ever have one of those weeks where you feel like the world is against you? That was this past week for me.

I don't know what happened. I was doing so well, and then all of a sudden, I hit a slump. All week I was tired and sad and questioning everything. The past haunted me, the future made me anxious, and I couldn't concentrate on the present. Plans fell through and changed both in and outside of work, and for awhile I'd had such a stable schedule. I was confused; I spent many moments rethinking the different compartments of my life. Am I really doing what I want to do? Am I in the place I want to be? I wondered who I could truly turn to... Who could I trust? Who would understand? Who would actually be there when I called?

The last thing I wanted to do in this state was update my blog, which is supposed to be a place of confidence and positivity. I have a list of at least twenty post ideas, but every night I put it off and pushed it aside, tired and sad and deflated.

It took me a long, long time to realize that the one person I can depend on and trust completely is... myself. People aren't perfect. Friends, boyfriends, even (and sometimes, especially) our families are going to hurt us. It's inevitable.

When I first had this epiphany, I wasn't bothered or hurt by it. In fact, I felt empowered. I was excited by it for a full month. For a full month, I lived completely free and independent, doing whatever I wanted whenever I wanted, living for me and loving life. I was finally following my mottos and manifestos, completely and joyfully! In the process, I built up some walls, and they were painted pink. For the first time in years -- or possibly, ever -- I was absolutely alone. And loving it. February is a perfect blur.

I said I don't know what happened, but I guess I do. I let some things slip into the cracks. I let others' words and actions control me, for good and for bad. I started giving others power again. I believe that the highs and lows we feel as the result of other people can be an addiction, and I was relapsing quickly. Why was I letting that happen? Why couldn't I just continue being happy being me? Why did I let others affect me again, after feeling how nice it was to not?

Ready for the answer? Okay, here's why... because it's easy. For years, I've been an extremely social person. I absolutely love people. I love having friends, and -- for a long time -- I loved having one boyfriend after another, too. I could be alone for an hour or two, but after that I'd get antsy and want to be around another person. Many people, and I daresay most bloggers, have the opposite personality and are more introverted. They'd rather be alone and it's easier for them than reaching out to other people and depending on them. I know there has to be a balance somewhere in there for all of us.

But as for now... I'm off to find the independent, confident, carefree Loudmouth that hung out here last month. The one who didn't need anyone else, because herself was enough. I have to, somehow, build the walls back up that I worked so hard to create. And once my house is complete, I'll unlock the door for you...


  1. I think that you're right-- your personality is what entices us all. It's such an odd thing to be completely alone, or rather, to feel it. You're such an incredible lady, and you're on the right track. Take the time to yourself, watch movies, disappear for a while, recharge and glamourize yourself, and reappear in the spotlight, emerge when the house gets just too quiet. And of course, always unlock the door for me.

  2. I don't even know where to begin with this post. I love that you're so willing to share yourself. I try to share myself on my blog, but I struggle with it, mostly because I fear the opinions of others. I'm so worried that if I start saying how I feel (which sometimes can come across as very negative and even pretty melodramatic) that people won't want to stick around to keep reading.
    I was having one of those kinds of weeks, too. I felt busy, stressed, and not myself. It sucked!
    I hope you take plenty of time for yourself and start feeling the way you want to feel again :)
    xo Heather

  3. It's easy to fall into feeling you need others' approval...and of course they tend to approve of you more when you're not thinking about them!

  4. I hate that you're going through a rough patch but I definitely think you're so right! I hate that one of the top rules of blogging is keeping personal things to yourself. I'm sorry but I can't post fancy pictures of recipes and D.I.Y's all the time! I have some substance to me and I think going back to being more personal via blogs. I loved this post and best of luck to you finding where you want to be again!

  5. Amen sister!! I go through much of the same, seriously. Im always amazed when I wake up one morning and things just look better in the new know YOU better than anyone...and the reason I love your blog? is because you are real, raw and true....keep rollin my friend, you are an excellent example to all of us!!!

  6. I think it's impossible to stay above it all completely, indefinitely, all of the time. So in that respect I hope you don't look at the negative change of mood/perspective as a sort of failure, because it isn't! It's called being human, and having human (or superhuman, depending on how you think about it) emotions. We can be on top of the world one day and carrying the weight of it the next. What matters is how you accept each day, as they come. And you - as your blog keenly documents - accept them with curiosity and excitement. Be proud of that, even on the low days, because you've overcome low days in the past to get to some pretty fantastic high ones!

    As for getting personal on blogs, I honestly never do it, but I don't know if it's because of inhibition, the audience, or mere lack of inclination. I don't have much personal stuff to share, honestly, and when I do I feel like I translate it some way through a theme - like fashion. I've thought about doing a post on body image, and maybe I'll challenge myself to get personal in that. (:

  7. I've totally had a week like that, but more like consecutive days ... it was one of those times when no family, friend or bf could make it better. I found peace through it! There are times when being our own rock helps us to overcome the rough patches and inspire others.

    As far as personal, I tend to translate it through my lifestyle/creativity, of course everyone's version of "getting personal" varies, I think that's what a blog is all about: showing the world "you," your life, (good days, bad days) perspective, thoughts on whatever you enjoy. I like that your blog reflects that.

  8. i know the feeling of one of those weeks all too well. anytime there is a silence on my blog, which happens pretty often, that is usually why- life and emotions are too intense that i cant sit down and write and i certainly dont want my picture taken. who knows why that weakness occurs- it seems to slip in when we are having a peaceful moment, all guards down, and then it spreads its insecurity and ruins everything.

    i appreciate your candid words. its nothing i can really do myself- i am more introverted and when i get down, i slip into a really dark place. i think i would scare a lot of people bc in my life ive realized not everyone can get so depressed and they just dont understand.

  9. I think it is admirable that you are trying to live for YOU. Too few people it seems really do that. Most of us actually find ourselves conforming to what others want or need in us or from us. So when you find you have begun to conform or comply with what others expect of you don't let it get you down. Just recognize it for what it is and get back to living for yourself. That is a very hard thing to do. I believe you will find it to be worth the effort in long run. I wish I myself had done that years ago when I was young enough to get away with it. Being married makes it hard. Once you have kids it becomes even more difficult, if not impossible.
    So keep up the good work on being true to you. I promise you will not regret it.

  10. I agree with you, I like to get personal as well =) super nice post! hang in there!

  11. It's okay to need or want to be around other people; after all, we are social creatures...We all struggle with this in different ways at some point in our lives, so it's completely normal. It's part of finding who we are or just changing...You're right to feel "empowered" by your independence and even your struggle, in a way....I realized, as I got older, that my circle of friends got smaller, and I was fine with being alone- well, of course, until I met the husband....But it really helped me to get to know myself better and work on myself...I actually LOVED living by myself and enjoyed being by myself whenever I could...Maybe it's because of my job and how people are... Anyways, you're in a good situation, as I'm sure you've realized. Keep at it and, I love what you do, as always! -Jessica


  12. I love getting personal on my blog. It's a great way to let your readers get to know the real you. I don't want to be just another unknown blogger. I want my audience to know me as I really am.
    Thanks so much for sharing your personal story. I don't think I could ever live by myself. I hope I will never need to -- It sounds lonely.
    Twitter: @GlamKitten88

  13. I have to say, I was introverted for most of my life...a loner as they say. Blogging has actually helped me want to become more social, which I think is a really good thing. I also think that your personality is amazing, and I really enjoy reading your blog because of how much it shines through in your posts, photos, everything.

  14. Thank you for always being so honest with us, Steph. It truly is what makes your blog so wonderful. Now that you've identified what has got you down, it's all uphill from here!

  15. This was such an amazing post Steph! I really enjoyed reading it. I think you captured that feeling so well, we all have those moments but you pulled through gracefully. I also think it's really amazing how you let the readers of your blog truly know you, not just an internet version you created, but the real you. Power to you :)

    P.s. you're a great writer!


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