Some bloggers don't like to get personal on their blogs and tend to avoid it, but I'm the opposite. I try to get as personal as I can without going overboard or getting offensive. When I promote this blog, I'm not selling my fashion sense or cool places to go in LA; I'm selling my personality. I really think it's the best thing I have to offer.
Perhaps it's the same for you. I encourage you to step out of the box and get a little deeper on your own blog. Go beyond the layers of clothing -- I know there's more to you. I'm not saying you have to do this or I won't read your blog... but it might be healthy for you, and it could make a reader feel that they're not alone. That's really my goal. I want to be a faraway friend that anyone can turn to.
Or maybe you need to open up more in your life in general. Maybe we need to keep the door unlocked instead of completely closed or wide open. I just don't want anyone to feel embarrassed or guilty about their emotions. No one should have to mask them or pretend they don't exist. Your emotions are valid. I hate when people compare 'big' or 'small' problems. If something is making you feel, size doesn't matter. And who's to judge size? It's all significant.
So then, let's get personal. Again.
Ever have one of those weeks where you feel like the world is against you? That was this past week for me.
I don't know what happened. I was doing so well, and then all of a sudden, I hit a slump. All week I was tired and sad and questioning everything. The past haunted me, the future made me anxious, and I couldn't concentrate on the present. Plans fell through and changed both in and outside of work, and for awhile I'd had such a stable schedule. I was confused; I spent many moments rethinking the different compartments of my life. Am I really doing what I want to do? Am I in the place I want to be? I wondered who I could truly turn to... Who could I trust? Who would understand? Who would actually be there when I called?
The last thing I wanted to do in this state was update my blog, which is supposed to be a place of confidence and positivity. I have a list of at least twenty post ideas, but every night I put it off and pushed it aside, tired and sad and deflated.
It took me a long, long time to realize that the one person I can depend on and trust completely is... myself. People aren't perfect. Friends, boyfriends, even (and sometimes, especially) our families are going to hurt us. It's inevitable.
When I first had this epiphany, I wasn't bothered or hurt by it. In fact, I felt empowered. I was excited by it for a full month. For a full month, I lived completely free and independent, doing whatever I wanted whenever I wanted, living for me and loving life. I was finally following my mottos and manifestos, completely and joyfully! In the process, I built up some walls, and they were painted pink. For the first time in years -- or possibly, ever -- I was absolutely alone. And loving it. February is a perfect blur.
I said I don't know what happened, but I guess I do. I let some things slip into the cracks. I let others' words and actions control me, for good and for bad. I started giving others power again. I believe that the highs and lows we feel as the result of other people can be an addiction, and I was relapsing quickly. Why was I letting that happen? Why couldn't I just continue being happy being me? Why did I let others affect me again, after feeling how nice it was to not?
Ready for the answer? Okay, here's why... because it's easy. For years, I've been an extremely social person. I absolutely love people. I love having friends, and -- for a long time -- I loved having one boyfriend after another, too. I could be alone for an hour or two, but after that I'd get antsy and want to be around another person. Many people, and I daresay most bloggers, have the opposite personality and are more introverted. They'd rather be alone and it's easier for them than reaching out to other people and depending on them. I know there has to be a balance somewhere in there for all of us.
But as for now... I'm off to find the independent, confident, carefree Loudmouth that hung out here last month. The one who didn't need anyone else, because herself was enough. I have to, somehow, build the walls back up that I worked so hard to create. And once my house is complete, I'll unlock the door for you...