Monday, April 8, 2013
Lessons :: Smarter. Stronger. Twenty Six.
As I sit here on the evening of my birthday, I can't help but think back on the past year. It began with me coming to the realization that I had lost everything I thought to be good and true. I spent April 8, 2012 curled up in bed with my best friend Chris sitting at my feet. On that day, he was the only thing that felt safe and genuine.
"We can go anywhere," he said. "We can do anything. Do you want to get sushi? I can get you froyo. Want me to go get it for you? Let me go get you something..."
"No. I can't eat. I don't feel hungry. I can't feel anything right now."
The good thing about your life falling apart is that there's nowhere to go but up. The bad, is that you have to climb. Rebuilding life and love and self takes work. It takes forgiveness. It takes strength, the kind of strength that you build along the way. Your emotional health, like your physical health, requires discipline and willpower to maintain. It's not easy, which is why most people turn away from emotion. They tuck it away. They run away. They bury and hide it.
I tried to do that, too. But I couldn't.
That's just not me, and it never has been.
Which brings us back to blogging.
I've always loved writing. I've always loved photography. I've always loved people, and I've always loved social networking. I had a blog before I even knew what a blog was. But the type of blogging that I've been doing for the past 2 years + 3 months? Well, it simply isn't me, as much as I've always wanted it to be. I like clothes and shopping and putting together cute outfits, but I have no desire to tell people where I got my pieces from. I like reading fashion and style blogs, but that doesn't mean I have to have one. And I like having my picture taken, but it doesn't mean it has to happen every time I walk out the door.
I've learned that my interests expand outside the blogging bubble, and since beginning The Loudmouth Lifestyle, other hobbies have fallen by the wayside. I've realized how much I loved theatre in high school and college, and over the past few weeks I decided to start concentrating more on vlogs and comedic writing and acting. And I don't care if people don't watch, and I don't care if people don't think I'm funny.
I miss doing things for myself.
So much has changed since my last birthday. And even though I feel as if I say that every year, this one is different. It's special. I've grown -- older, wiser, stronger. I think back on how and who I used to be, and I'm not that girl anymore. But I'm okay with that. I've changed for the better. I don't have any regrets, and I don't dislike my former self. In fact, she was pretty cool. The problem was that she didn't realize how cool she was. She was insecure and unsure, as much as she didn't want to admit it. But, I know who I am now. And I don't want to be anything I'm not.
I've decided to keep blogging, but this time around, it's going to be different. After this post, I will be disabling comments. And over the next few weeks, you'll see sponsorships and sidebar ads begin to disappear (this will happen gradually, since I still have a few collaborations coming up that I've promised). I have a new blog design planned, with a new focus. My blog is going to be about my life; my life is not going to be about my blog.
After letting go of so many negative forces, I gained so much. Over the past year, I made new friends and became closer with old ones. I fell in love with my job and began calling it a career. I traveled to places I only dreamed of seeing. I learned to forgive, and I learned that it's okay to take your time with forgiveness. And I realized that pain only moves you forward, if you allow it to do so.
I announced my decision to stop blogging almost a month ago, and since then, life has become even better than before. After turning my attention from the blogging world to the real world, I was suddenly presented with interesting and beautiful and exciting opportunities that I may have missed otherwise. Here are just a few of the wonderful things that happened:
I ate better, and I worked out more.
My roomie and I celebrated his birthday. He's my big brother.
I spent multiple relaxing nights in bed, drinking wine and watching stand-up or reading.
I received a small promotion at work and was moved to a different location. I got to go to a Clippers game with my new management team complete with dinner, dessert and plenty of beer. On a similar note, I enjoyed multiple happy hours with work friends and fell even more in love with them.
I was asked to write for Phat magazine (stay tuned) and ps: my sister is on the newest cover.
I had the best birthday weekend of my life, which included a house party on Friday night, brunch + movie on Saturday, and Disneyland on Sunday. Oh yeah, and I have a boyfriend now...
I'm so very happy tonight.
And I'm grateful. For everything.
To God be the glory.