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Monday, October 7, 2013

Look Again :: Dreams Reborn

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Sometimes I look around at my life and ask myself, how the hell is it that I'm in LA and haven't pursued my childhood goals of becoming a famous actress/singer/writer/model? Well, I suppose I'm still writing (for this blog, at least) and kinda modelling (if outfit photos count). It's not that I'm unhappy with my life; I'm a very blessed gal. And I'm lucky that I have an awesome job with awesome people. But if you would've told me when I first got here, at the tender young age of 22, what I would be doing now -- I would've been disappointed in my future self.

Over the past few years, I started to believe that the things I used to want for my life were the silly dreams of a naive little girl. This was partly good, because I began to appreciate my life so much, and I started to pay more attention to what I had rather than what I didn't. Before that, I had been extremely dissatisfied with what I had accomplished, but after I accepted where I was, I felt snug and settled. I enjoyed my comfy, safe cocoon of a 'normal' life. That only lasted a short while, though; I had never wanted to be normal before, and perhaps the simplicity that I had come to crave was simply instilled in me by the negative voices of false friends, ex-boyfriends, and even relatives who told me I wasn't skinny enough, fat enough, pretty enough, funny enough, or talented enough to do what I wanted to do.

What does all of this have to do with the above photos featuring my side/inner boob? Everything. These were taken a year ago by Selwyn Ward, and not only do I love this autumnal setting and outfit, but on that day I was on a natural high that can only be felt when I'm doing something I truly love. It comes when I'm writing for 8 hours and forget to eat, it comes when I'm acting in a comedy sketch until 4am, and it comes when I'm posing in front the camera. I refrained from posting these last year, but a lot has happened since then, and I no longer care what anyone thinks. Besides, if I ever want to be in a Victoria's Secret catalog, I need to get used to showing some skin.

Slowly but surely, my dreams are being renewed and reborn, and perhaps one of these days God will show me what I'm supposed to do with all of these desires. I know that He placed them inside my heart for a reason; otherwise, they wouldn't be there. Until then, I'm enjoying my life as it is, and all of the small blessings I've been gifted with -- not just my apartment and car and books and clothes, but my handful of faithful friends, my lovably crazy family, my co-workers, my man and my city.
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