Half truths piled on top of half truths do not add up to the whole truth. It’s just a heap of “not-quite-there-ness.” Grey. Cluttery. If you want satisfaction you have to do the good, hard work of burning down the little lies and resistances. Tear it DOWN. (Danielle LaPorte)
Destroy. Create. Destroy. Create. Over and over and over again. That has been 2014.
At the beginning of the year, I had goals, optimism, direction: I will live healthier, balanced, well-rounded, even. Wholeness was my word for 2014. I would strive to be whole, not divided, one unit, in tune and in sync.
I didn't quite realize I would get wrecked in the process.
Life is not what we plan, it’s messier, bitter, breathtaking, weird as shit, and utterly magnificent. That’s not to say we shouldn’t plan, we should. We should go grocery shopping, and do laundry, and pay bills, and set goals, but we should also know that a year, a month, a week, a day can sometimes take crazy turns before we are where we’ve needed to be.
In January I did not understand how it might all be worth it.
This year I fought hard for my voice. I quit a job that had me succeeding at the wrong things. I allowed myself to be honest and angry when someone mean and cruel did really, really well. It gave me that oomph to get moving. It allowed me to lean on the friends who are close. They told me anger is okay and I should probably start doing something with it.
This year there were shootings and riots and pain and suicides. There were weddings and adventures. There was a new apartment, a new roommate, a new job. Earth kept spinning. I kept writing.
I really started asking, “Can I be more honest with my words?” Transparency and vulnerability weren’t just ideas, they were goals. I read emails that said "Me too. Thank you;" or "Keep at it. Just get it down;" followed by the occasional, "It was good, and you spelled it wrong." They all kept me writing and humbled.
"The fire of truth can be massively destructive. And then… then comes the solution, the healing, the building, the flight. Destroy before you create."*
I destroyed, created, destroyed, created, destroyed, created.
I got somewhere. I got somewhere whole, in one piece, and with more words down. It was anything but easy and it was more complicated than I could have planned. And oh my gosh was it worth it. It has been my year of becoming.
January 8, 2014*Quote by Danielle LaPorte.
I trust that life is never too neat. It's frantic, stressful, fun, hilarious, oddly refreshing, profoundly messy and all the in-between. I imagine 2014 to be no different. I wish a type of wholeness to it though, a certain well-roundedness to the months. I wish for a year of learning and growing, of listening, stillness, discovering, waiting, and simply being. A year of becoming. I hope for a year of living unashamedly into the unknown. A year of wholeness, of stories, of laughter and love.
Kristie lives in fabulous San Francisco. Her super powers include occasional wit, sarcasm, fleeting narcissism, and collecting parking tickets. She writes because speaking was not always easy, and writing is where she found her voice. This post is in support of my new program for 2015, Loud Ladies.